Jewelry Art

Miss Ringless asked:


My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 4 yrs (in March). During our relationship we broke up once ( for about 4 days) upon my initiation after our 1 year anniversary as he still could not tell me he loved me and while I think that it’s fine for each person to get there at their own pace, I had been in love with him for some time and I didn’t see any consideration for me in his thoughts about the future. He didn’t think he wanted children and I knew I needed that to be a possibility in the future so I didn’t want to invest myself so intensely in something that may not have had a future. Well he couldn’t handle the break-up and after a few days told me he really didn’t want to be apart from me, that he had been in love with me for some time but he hadn’t been comfortable being open about it due to complications with a previous relationship but he realized the importance of letting me know how he felt and was full of regret for having kept me in the dark about his feelings. His past made him nervous about commitment and thinking about depending on someone else in his life and therefore he did not voice any thoughts about my involvement in future plans of his but he reassured me that he did want me to play a role in them. I told him that I understood (after hims sharing) about his apprehensions but that I also took some offense at the fact we had been together much longer than his previous relationship and I was nothing like his ex so the fact he would still be nervous was something I took personally. He told me he loved my and really considered a future with me and having children together, he just wasn’t going to be ready any time soon. He would make sacrifices if needed and compromise to meet me half way on goals and plans. So we got back together. Within a couple of months of getting back together he told me of his own volition that he was thinking of asking me to marry him in about 1 year (we would have been together just over 2 years at that point).

That time came to pass without any proposal. I want the proposal to come on his terms because I’m ready but I know I’ve been ready for a long time. So of course I was internally saddened. We were still in college but graduated together a few months later. Over this whole time he occasionally brings up marriage, kids, buying a house, etc. We have casual conversations about our future all the time. Many friends have gotten married, bought houses, etc. and he’s talked about feeling his own personal pressure to follow suit. After graduating (together for 2 years and a couple months at this point) he says he wants to be together for about a year without the pressures of school to see how our relationship dynamics sustain/change in “real life” before getting engaged.

Meanwhile he’s gone to a local jewelry store that features rings handmade by local artists (where a friend of our bought engagement and wedding rings from). He’s asked me about what type of ring I’d like, wedding, do I want a house before engagement, etc. He knows I’m not a big jewelry person and the ring is more about the commitment than the look for me. We are not very well off (we both went to art school) and I’ve told him I don’t need a ring but he’s more traditional and thinks it’s important so I’ve spelled out that his choice, whatever it is, will be perfect for me but I want it to be simple and low profile (due to the nature of my work) as well as not very expensive as I’d rather have more money to put towards a house, wedding, our savings or the like.

Well a year after graduating, no proposal. Conversations continue, our relationship is great. He then tells me he would like to be living together before getting engaged. Due to lease arrangements and finances it took longer then we had hoped but eventually last spring we finally moved in together and it has been really nice. A couple months after we had been living together we were talking about our future and he mentioned that he wanted to hit a personal savings goal before getting engaged. I understand that and appreciate the effort on his part for financial responsibility. He told me what figure he wanted to hit. And while he thinks about tradition roles of a man being the financial backbone of the union I’ve reassured him I am not counting on that (again we are struggling art school grads and while I carry a much larger debt load for school I also work almost twice as many hours per week and make more money than him). He voiced appreciation in hearing that. It’s also complicated because we are both thinking about going back to school. This fall (September) he reached his savings goal and told me so. Then he mentioned he had figured out when I wanted to ask me to marry him but also sort of mentioned in passing that he was thinking marriage wasn’t going to real soon after a proposal. He has since gone hog wild on shopping for gifts for everyone for Christmas and buying himself a super nice bic
…bicycle. He alluded to possibly getting a ring for Christmas (his comment was “… after my next paycheck I’m going to start buying your Christmas present, I have to pay for it installments…”). I haven’t asked for anything, let alone an expensive gift so naturally I think ring. Well I have since figured out what he got me for Christmas (3 gifts, none of which are a ring) and he recently told me he was a bit bummed because he had wanted to get me 5 gifts but was actually only going to be able to give me 3. So needless to say I’m a bit bummed. I should know better by now but I keep letting myself get my hopes up and then feeling saddened. He talks about our future enough and has even thrown out ideas he’s had about proposing, that I don’t question that he wants to be together forever but I’m questioning if he’s ever going to ask. I’m torn about wanting to give an ultimatum (like my birthday this summer which would be 4.5 years) but I also really want this whole thing to be his….
…choice. Every time he gives another time line I try to take it with a grain of salt but obviously I can’t, and I really don’t think he’s trying to be mean about stringing me along. Advice anyone?